I woke this morning

I woke this morning in total darkness with my head screaming why was I still alive.  How your mind tells you what you are really thinking. It was unsettling.  I hide under the wool fleece I sleep with wanting to escape into further darkness and warmth.  The same wool fleece I buried Randy in. At one time in England, it was the law that bodies were to be buried in fleece. I now understand why. It is  warm, soft to the skin, and protective.

Earlier I phoned the suicide prevention people.  He spoke to me for a short period of time and he said he would call me back.  I half suspected that I had made a mistake in calling him as I waited for the police or someone to come and take me away.  I finally fell asleep.

So much for non-profits who are suppose to help.  All of them seem only to have very expensive designed web pages and only offer referrals, or nothing at all.  It is a lie just like it says that you can get a lawyer when you need one.  The worse one is the Elder group: SAIL.  After you have your initial contact they filter further calls so there is no help.

To solve problems which you might not have even created, you commit suicide.  Or if you are not too intelligent, you just wander the streets not understanding what happened.


drafted morning of June 21 2018 but not posted.