15-09-2018 Not doing very well

I thought by now I would be getting better but it seems an impossible ladder to climb.  From being able to sleep too much to now not being able to sleep very little.

I can't seem to find anything that brings me pleasure -- a diversion from the eight years that I was bullied by VCHA.  With all the proactive work VCHA is doing with mental health they neglect to look into their own organization and educate their own employees on how to interact with patients and their family and friends.  Their policy is still if there is suspicion that a family member or patient might be critical of the VCHA that they have to be sanitized.  In 2010 there was a web presence called Civil Rights Now by Paul Caine.  It was highly critical of the health authorities and in those days the media would feature such talk and he has now been minimized to boring like all non-profit sites that get funding from VCHA.  It was as if  Paul was told to cool it. His website does not now contain any of the history of his time while in George Pearson Centre.  It was a history so how can, I assume, VCHA destroy it.  I wonder when he was being an advocate for the disabled he was confident and helpful now he doesn't even answer his phone.  One thing that I cannot forget about his telling was a patient who needed help at George Pearson Centre and the residents in the ward were incessantly calling for assistance to help him and the requests were ignored and the patient died.  History is history and it should not be deleted from the internet. I wonder if Paul knows about the constitutional challenge Roger Foley has started in Ontario.  The issue includes directed funding that Paul wanted for patients in British Columbia.  Foley has asked that Bill C-14 be declared unconstitutional as it does not give equal access to life.  And there was Tina who sued VCHA and the Portland Society over the way she was treated and her vivid descriptive blog is gone. And also there was Ms. Tonner a health authority nurse-employee who complained about the death of her mother while in care and she threatened to deconstruct what happened.  She got early retirement.   For the greater good VCHA has decided to get rid of any negativity about VCHA so when abuses happen a loner is considered NOK and the loner is put on the flowchart of how VCHA treat dissenters.  You are made to believe that there is something wrong with you. It is called gaslighting.  And VCHA is very good at it.

As for me my suicide ideation of a few months ago it is still with me.  It would be so easy.  No more flashbacks, no more stress, no impossible deadlines, no more erratic behavior, like buying expensive clothes (clothes full price rather than on sale) that I will never wear.  I attempted to buy a toaster oven and I took it back many times as I could not decide if I really wanted one.  So I finally decided over a four month period on the most expensive toaster oven which I now rarely use.  As an explantion, I live in a teardown and my stove oven hasn't been operational for a year.  No owner is going to fix anything if his building is going to be demolished.  And I won't complain as my rent is relatively cheap for Vancouver.  Althoug the building was built in the 1950s it is structurally sound.  It does not even have drywall, only plaster which does not mould and teak wood doors and teak wood windows frames and hardwood floors.  It was originally used as an inlaw suite.  Although the space is small I am happy here. It even has a small garden space which I am too depressed to look after. However, I did plant kale this spring and someone every so often drops by and tears off the new leaves, so now all I have is the stock with a few new small leaves sitting at the top. My place is close to the Canada Line so I have easy mobility.  I know I should be proactive and move but I do not have the energy to think that far ahead.  Once the permits are issued, I will have no choice.  I dread the thought of my rent $tripling.

It is four in the morning and it is time to try to get some sleep.

My psychologist said it was good to keep a daily journal.  I will try but sometimes it is very difficult as things are either so traumatic to repeat or so boring it is not worth the effort.  I dislike reading my emails, listening to the news, answering the phone, or even going to the post office to pick up my mail. I cancelled my newspaper subscription and I do not have television.  I have a sign on my door that says:  go away, I am sleeping.  I miss Randy and I regret not being able to fight for him harder.  I would like to say that I tried my best, but I did not.  The guilt will never go away.  Yesterday a friend tried to move some of Randy's stuff in the storage area, stuff I hadn't seriously looked at for four years, and I went ballistic.  I need his stuff near me and I want it in pristine condition.  One of the things I want to do is eventually send to his father all of Randy's clothing that have a Steeler's logo on them.  He has nine hats, sweat shirts, t-shirts and a Steeler's jacket.  When I do that maybe I might then be in acceptance with his death but then maybe not.  Everytime there was an occasion like a birthday I would go and buy Randy a $35.00 cap.  He wore his caps even when he was sleeping.  I managed to put one in his coffin before he was buried.  I know his father would appreciate the hats as he has been a lifetime Steeler's fan, so is Randy's mother, but I just can't depart with them now.  I just need to hold on to them. At one time I was wearing his bomber jacket most days but now as the weather is getting colder I can't find it.  I sometimes think, if it wasn't for Carolanne, I would be well.  I will be forever indebted to her as she told me in 2011 what Randy's rights were while being a patient at George Pearson Centre. She is the one that saved Randy's life.