I tried so hard.

As Randy lay unconscious on 13 April 2014 and VGH ICU would not let me hold him in my arms (they called security) I cried over and over saying to comatose Randy  That I was so sorry that I did everything I could do but they won't help him.  Randy only wanted to come home.  If he was going to die he wanted to be with me.  I couldn't even hold him, how cruel they were.The ICU bed belonged to the hospital so I could not touch it and there was a liability issue.  Critical thinking on the part of this third world imported nurse was shocking.

I buried Randy on the Island in a green grave ceremony.  It was a beautiful day among the trees and nature and sun and a light wind and the sound of life among the foliage and rockery..  I piled handful and handfuls of  pink carnations and small white flowers over his grave site.  The pink carnations symbolize that he will never be forgotten.  Carnations are a study flower and can last five-six weeks with light rain.

I promised that I was going to wear Randy's Steelers clothing as a tribute to his death but I haven't been able to do that yet.  He was a Steelers fan and most of his clothes were Steelers brand name.

At VGH I was only able to afford to pay for television for him so he could watch the Steelers games.  It was expensive $20.00 a day with tax and I remember he looked at me and moved his head up and moved his lips to say " thank you.".

Only patients that have extended medical get free television and a private room.  When I research the hospitality network I learned that VGH earns $1,000,000 a year for the televisions from the backs of the poor.   Televisions are cheap now so there is no reason except for the windfall the hospital gets so that most poor patients are without entertainment and families mostly cannot afford $600 a month..  I do not understand why a group hasn't made an issue of this yet.  But then I suppose the hospitality company that own the televisions are all doctors and everyone treads lightly with them.

24 April 2014

It has been 12 days since Randy died in the ICU at VGH.  I am so grateful that he died at VGH in its intensive care unit.  He had the best pallative care possible.  They kept him on life support until the support could not sustain him any more. His blood pressure was not compatible to life. I was able to hold his hand at the point that he died.  It was so sudden.  The nurse Susan was watching the monitor and she told me to hold his hand as he was going.  I am grateful to her as it only takes a second for a person to pass and he could have died without me knowing.. I do not remember crying at that moment.  Just holding his hand.

Randy has not been buried yet as I could not deal with him being incinerated.  He mentioned that he wanted a green burial in a forest.  I want to wrap him up in 100% wool which was what was the law in England at one time.  Everyone had to be buried in wool.  And I wanted him to be buried with his Steeler's hats and his Steeler's t-shirts.  I decided to keep his Steeler's jacket for myself as a tribute to his memory.

I am not well and I can't leave the one-room suite I live in.  I do not know how long I will be self- imprisoned here.

Randy's doggies are with me but they are so quiet all they do is lay on the floor and watch me.  Sometimes the little one, Owen, will come to me and lick/kiss my face and then I hold him tight and then I cry..

Otherwise my room is silent except for the district hum of traffic from Cambie Street. 

I just received three sympathy cards to date; but, then, more may come.  I want them for my memory box.
5976 Cambie Street Vancouver BC V5Z 3A9